NOTE: Reposted from last year. For some reason, the original post started getting traffic today so I thought I'd repost it so you can enjoy. The exchange with Angela cracks me up every time. In retrospect, I probably should have included the 'MuckDuck' line though...
"In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching."
"When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby."
"Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things."
"I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther."
"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
"I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."
"Oh no! The new boss doesn't find Jim adorable."
"If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides."
"You're PMS'ing pretty bad, huh?"
"First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow, I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets."
"Blood alone moves the wheels of history!"
And best Dwight Schrute exchange (with Angela)....
Dwight: How would you like to spend a night with the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Angela: No Dwight! I don’t care if that’s how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.
Dwight: No, no, no. Not Michael. Me! I’m taking his job.